V
I knew that night I probably held on tighter then normal, but every time I closed my eyes and started to think my mind might come down long enough for me to catch some Zzzs, all I could hear was the mad ramblings of my Male behind a door that felt more like a barrier than anything else ever had. I consoled myself into thinking that at least last night by the time we reached the Pit, Butch’s state of mind had seemed less doom and gloom and more just spaced the fuck out there. With my face almost smashed up against the back of Butch’s neck I couldn’t help but grin at the song he had started to spit out randomly, and the smile I had in place turned dark as not just my mind remembered but my body also of how that male of mine kept fucking rubbing up against me last night. How bad of a perverted degenerate would I have been had I taken Butch in that mind state, one minute he knew what we was to each other to the next minute asking if we were together then only to go back to saying he loved me. I had to shove that way the fuck back in the deep crevices of my brain, wouldn’t do me any good to dwell so instead I focused on what I needed to be and hoped like hell Butch was able to at least get some kind of rest in his mind and in his body.
Butch
-As soon as V joined me in bed I felt like someone had punched my clock. All it took was those arms wrapping around me. It shoved my scattered thoughts to the floor where I knew they would haunt me later. I draped a hand behind me and over his hip and that was it, I was out like a light. There was something to be said for the power of a tight embrace from your lover. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have sought this out in the first place. I’d spent a lifetime dealing with my own shit and this was unfamiliar territory for me. Of course my problem this time really wasn’t in any standard ballpark. Unfortunately it didn’t matter how safe I felt in his arms, the dreams would find me no matter what. I saw a hole open up right in the middle of the damn bed and I was being pulled down it. I turned toward V and clung to him to keep from sinking. It had a hold of my feet and it felt like it would pull my body in two. I shouted out and clawed at my hellren trying to get a better grip that seemed to slip no matter what I did. I lost my hold entirely and was sucked down into the dark abyss. The frantic look on his face as he watched me disappear was etched into my brain. I actually realized something at that moment that I hoped to god I could hang on to. Whatever torment I was going through was actually shared with Vishous. Even if he wasn’t suffering from the same fear and confusion he was watching it helplessly and I was ashamed to put him through it. I tried to make sense of my surroundings. It seemed like I was in a forest but it was almost too dark to tell. I saw someone in a dark robe approach me and when the head tilted up to look at me I beat feet in the opposite direction shouting over my shoulder.- Hell no, you goddamn bitch. I’ve had more than enough of your bullshit. -My legs burned as I ran through trees that seemed to hit me with every frickin limb possible. Another form came into view in front of me, this one in a white robe. I didn’t need to get any closer to know who that one was. I skidded to halt and looked behind me again. Yep… that bitch was still chasing me too. I tried to run off in another direction but my feet suddenly locked up on me. I could hear them both laughing as they closed in to either side. I fell forward and tried to drag myself free when chains came out of no where and locked around my wrists. I was hauled back up and dangled in the air. They both stared at me like I was some kind of tasty morsel and they spoke in unison. ‘CHOOSE’ I shouted at them both to go suck a big fat one and in the blink of an eye I was ripped in two. I woke up screaming in pain, arms hugging my own sides to hold them together.-
V
Dragging my bare body from the warm cocoon of the blankets and pillows I didn’t even need to look over to see that I was once again alone in the big bed, Butch had escaped it not long ago. I had felt the dip in the bed when he moved and even though he hadn’t been gone all that long, his side still feels like it was as cold as ice like he had never been there. He was my male in every sense, the body was the same, the touch the same and especially the natural scent was all my Cop but I could feel a certain detachment in him on a mental level. It was like he was trying to connect to his own mind and even mine at times but there was some kind of wiring shorting out after each attempt and he would slip back into the darkness that was gripping him. The only sane breath I had to take was that he was at least here in the Pit where I could see and feel him at all times, fuck the thought of him out any damn where in his present state of mind sent more than a small amount of shudders through me, it damn near made me sick to my gut. Not to mention if the King or anyone else in the Manse had a damn clue as to what was going on, good thing we was mostly left to our own devices, most thinking we was on a constant loop of fucking like animals and so they stayed away. And before all this went down they would have been pretty fucking close to the truth which was just another reason why I kept the code of the Pit to myself and butch. Just the mere thought of anyone seeing that male in his entire naked splendor sent a heat of rushed violence through me, fuck that he was all mine and I would burn the eyes sockets of anyone who saw him in any way that I deemed wrong. Shaking my head to dispel all that shit I headed to the bathroom and went straight into the shower not even giving the water temp the time to change from iceberg to warmth. The sudden change from one harsh flow of water to the other was just a good wake up and brain clearing for me and I let my chin fall forward as the wetness rained down over me. I took time with washing; it felt good to let my hands roam over my slick form, almost like working out the tensed up full of stress feeling I’ve had for days and just letting it go down the drain with the clear water. I paid close attention to my shoulders and arms and even closer to my thighs, working my fingers deep into the tissue, building up a thick lather of suds as I did. I couldn’t help but watch as the water washed it just as quickly away as I built it up, if only life’s problems could be solved so easy I thought. As always my dick was on a full straight out hard on, yeah good morning to you to I thought as I went with what was natural and had my soapy fingers wrapped around it. The groan that came out was almost painful and I quickly let go, fuck what was wrong with me that I could even think about getting off when things were going to shit in a hand basket. My movements shifted in a split second from relaxed and gratifying to hurry and angry as I finished the shower and stepping out to wrap a towel around my hips. I took a moment to look in the foggy mirror over the sink, my hand swiping one clear path across the blurry glass and I looked at myself. In the quiet closed space I let it all open up before me, what I had been came blaring through the reflection like a forest fire running rampant over dry hills. I could feel the coldness that had enveloped my whole being for centuries, the complete detachment that made me able to stay in control of all situations and others around me. It was almost easier being that person, not caring, not wanting and most of all not needing or feeling, to be able to enter another’s space and leave it with them in pieces mentally and physically and myself not affected at all, the pets from my past were prime examples of that part of me. Each time I had went to my Penthouse and let that savage side of me come out in all its savage force was more a part of me than I had liked to admit, I knew what my own brothers thought and even said about me. Depraved, sick, perverted fuck and those were the ‘nice’ phrases, I knew and yet I never said anything against it. How could I when they were only hitting on the truth but sadly it was way worse than that. They had no clue how deeply I was driven with the need to break others, to rip to shreds all resistance, to have another baring it all under a full mixture of pain, pleasure, blood and markings that were inflicted by my mind and hands. Yes Phury had his addictions but I also had mine and it was one that was rooted so harshly into my darkest crevices that even I wouldn’t look them in the face. Just as deep as I felt and seen that part of me I shifted gears to the here and now, the me that had taken up and took over when I let myself be touched by a human Cop. My eyes and tats glowed a bright light that even I almost flinched from its effect, how one person could make me throw away and break the chains from all that had bound me to the past was beyond my years of comprehension. I had never wanted another as strongly as I did him, to be consumed and to consume, not break, no not this one, to do that would be sacrilege to me. He was perfect to me in all his own fucked up way and traits and I hungered for it, the fight, the passion, and the all-consuming lust that ate me up from the inside out. Somehow one male had transformed a 300 plus yr old vamp into someone who went through life hating and thirsting for evil into someone who now would bleed his own veins to save that male. My shoulders sagged under the weight of it; I wanted to protect, to heal, and to take away the demons that hunted Butch in his nightmares as well as in his waking hours. But I couldn’t and that hit me in the gut like a lead ball, this was something I couldn’t control, something that was not only wreaking havoc on him but me as well, I wished to fuck I could take that from him and unto myself. This feeling of uselessness was overwhelming to say the least, it was down fucking right all-consuming and I was drowning in that emotion right now, it was foreign to me and messed with my head more than I cared to admit. Once again I dropped my head and closed to my eyes to gain some kind of semblance of who I was, if this was happening to me I would know what and how to deal but it wasn’t and I had to walk as if each proverbial step was going to fall out from under me. With that last thought in play I stepped away from the all too revealing mirror and left the bathroom in search of that male of mine that was close enough I could feel his essence pounding through my veins.
Butch
-I sat up in bed when I knew that even the warm presence that held me tightly couldn’t keep the nightmares from invading. It was a wasted effort to try to stave them off any further. Looking over my shoulder at him, I was tempted to give it another shoot. I had never seen a more perfectly sculpted body in my life. I could literally sit here and watch him for hours but that would only lead me to other things that I wanted. He had been holding himself back from me. I almost had a rash from how much I rubbed up on him. I’d been close to begging for it. There was a portion of me that understood why. I brushed my fingers over his body, taking in the heat at my fingertips.- Look but don’t touch… -I breathed out a heavy sigh- At least not too much… -It only served to confuse me further. Felt like my mind was running on a hamster wheel. Circles and more circles. I drew myself away from him and got out of bed. I walked like a zombie through the Pit, seeking focus. I spotted the file that Jose had given me on my sister. My mind whirled as I thumbed through the pictures. I paced what my mother would call a hole in the floor until I stopped suddenly in front of the barest wall in the Pit. Something was just out of my grasp and I felt the need to see the whole picture. I removed everything from the wall and carefully set it to the side. A search through some of V’s things turned up thumb tacks and a black marker. I mumbled to myself as I begin pinning the pictures to the wall, talking through all of my thoughts like there was someone standing beside me. I paused next to the picture of Janie taken before her brutal murder.- Not right… just a head… she’s just a head… -I took out the black marker and sketched a body for my sister on the wall, even adding a teddy bear in her arms. When I was done, I stood back and looked at the image.- Much better. -I took all of the brutal pictures from her death and pinned them to the opposite side of the wall. My head swerved back and forth between the two extremes and I angrily drew a swirling dark mass in the middle. The pictures of the three men that I knew to be lesser joined the wall and I tracked down some white-out for their new hair color. I had a sudden thought and went to V’s computer to print up a picture of the woman that I’d killed and another of Jose. I added her image next to that of my sister. They really did look similar. I drew the woman a body as well, with one hand resting on Janie’s shoulder and an accusing finger pointed at me. Jose stood next to them both almost as if he was in pursuit. Every page from the file made it to the wall somewhere in some semblance of a puzzle that I saw in my mind. I even stood on top of chair and drew a scene above the swirling black hole of a man that was being held down by a black form in a white robe while another figure in a black robe set fire to the man’s legs. I got down from the chair and stood back to look at the entire wall. Something vital was missing and I knew exactly what it was. I used the last of the white-out to draw a figure over top of the black mass, a glowing white form with tattoos.- Now it’s done. -I sat down on the floor far enough away so that I could look at the whole thing. There was only one real source of happiness on the entire wall. It seemed like a losing battle.-
V
It didn’t take a genius to see the writing on the wall when I stepped out of our bedroom and into the Pits living area. It was all there in black and white covering one whole wall, a series of case files and pictures mixed in with drawings. I went closer even stepping around Butch and dissected the scene in my head; it was pretty clear cut, and downright fucked. I raked my hand through my still damp hair and only when I finally had the loose dark locks pushed out of my eyes did I look down at my male. “Did that help in any way, any clarity at all or closer to anything?” I wasn’t even sure what I myself was asking, how did one come out and say ‘So hey is your head fixed yet, you still seeing the big bad and ugly or do I still need to keep the butcher knives under lock and key’
Butch
-My eyes were immediately drawn to Vishous. How could they not be? The male had always commanded my attention by just being who he was. I watched him look at the mess I’d made on the wall, I wondered if he understood it better than I did. It was interesting to see my brain splattered on the wall though.- I’m not sure clarity was the goal but I can see all the pieces. -I got up from the floor and stretched out my locked up muscles.- Tell me Vishous, where is our happy ending? We have each other and then we don’t. You get taken, I get taken. If the Scribe Virgin isn’t screwing us over, the Omega is. Why are we even in this war?
V
Cocking a tatted brow I glanced at Butch and back to the wall, the question was one I would have never thought to ask myself. “I don’t contemplate happy endings, to think of next week is too far let alone the end.” I turned my attention back to the wall of markings, my clear eyes slowly moving over every piece even as I continued talking. “I see enough endings of my brothers and theirs in my head that to drill on ours whether it be happy or not would be my undoing.” I shifted my gaze from the wall and looked over my shoulder at Butch. “Even if not this war of lessers, or staying together, there is always some kind of war we would be in, everyone is in some kind of war, either openly or privately and no one knows the endings of those, so ours is no different in that regard.” I turned around fully and crossed my arms over my bare chest and eyed Butch, partly in curiosity but also critically. “Are you done fighting your war Butch, our war, is this your undoing and the white towel is being brought out?”
Butch
-I couldn’t help but smirk as I looked at my hellren.- Does that even remotely sound like me? Laying down? Giving up? -Shaking my head and stepping closer- My problem is that I don’t want either of them to win. -Pointing behind me to the two robed figures on the wall.- But how can I go around pretending to be all high and mighty when I slaughter the innocent? I am no better than them and it disgusts me. Even when I was high all the damn time, I didn’t sink that low. How you can stand to even look at me now is beyond me. -I realized that I was babbling and I took a deep breath and stopped, looking down at your bare feet.-
V
I shook my head but still kept my gaze directly on Butch.”No it doesn’t sound like you, but with how you have been lately it’s something I feel now should be asked.” Finally taking my eyes off Butch I looked at the two figures I knew too damn well and snorted. “They will never win Butch, this war will go on to eternity and still even if it ends there will be no winners in it.” The last comment went through me like a red hot poker and I found my feet taking their own steps backwards. “Cop, do you not know who you are talking to? I have taken more innocents then I can count, there blood would easily over flow any river in existence. So I ask you how do you lay in bed each night with a murderer and wonder how I can look at you after the mere instance of one life that to me was but a drop.”
Butch
-Seeing your reaction to my comment, I realized the nerve I had struck and I closed the distance between us with quick steps. I raised my hand to the back of your neck and met your gaze straight on.- I have not forgotten who I was talking to though you are right, I should have clarified the remark. You were forced to do what you did. What I did was out of sear stupidity. -I tilted my head and searched your eyes further, almost like there was something hidden there that would help me.-You did not come away from that unscathed either, my love.
V
I stayed where I stood but I welcomed the hand on the back of my neck, for a second in my own head I wondered what kind of monster I was but like the past had shown me that would get me drawn too deep in so I shoved it out and away. “Butch I cannot act or assume I get where or what you feel right now.” I brought both my hands up and clamped them down on either side of neck. The simple touch made me more grounded than anything else. “I wasn’t always forced to do what I did, even when I was human and nothing but skin and bones my actions were my own. We all have choices and I chose to live in that hell till I couldn’t any longer.” I licked my lips a few good swipes before I pushed on. “You have a lot of humanity in you, which in another life I would have said is bad as fuck for you; but it keeps you who you are which is a good thing. You have a conscience and a warm heart and also why the standoff in the street has brought you down.” Even in the stance I was in I shrugged my broad shoulders. “I’m cynical where death is concerned, too many years do that to a male, innocent or not matters little to me. You and my brothers are what matter and in the end I will take out any obstacle to obtain what I want. I need you to tell me what to do here Butch, this stuff is foreign as fuck for me but I am sick as hell of watching from the side lines while you sink faster into the quicksand of your own hell.”
Butch
-I ran my thumb up and down the back of your neck and pondered out loud.- What you are saying is if I were more like you than this won’t bother me? I’m not you, Vishous. If I was this relationship would be pretty goddamn boring. -flashing a smile that quickly faded- And I still feel that I should at the very least talk to Jose. Maybe I could explain that it was a mistake… -My head fell forward to rest on you.-I’ve done a lot of shitty things that I don’t feel sorry for, this is not one of them. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I don’t want to see you go through this either. -A shiver ran through me at the simple skin on skin contact and I found my other arm wrapping around your waist without even thinking about it.- Fuck, I miss you. Even when I’m not sure of my own name, I still want you. You are my constant in all of this.
V
My brows raised and my head shook in denial. “Fuck no I don’t want you to be anything like me Nallum, listen to me, I’m glad that you have your humanity in you, it is unique and apart of you and like i said makes you, you. It gives you the conscience that you have of right and wrong. What I was trying to convey was I get the issue but I don’t know how to help because it is not a part of me. You feel me now Cop?” My fingers tightened on the grip they had on your neck and I shook my head even harder. “No, no Jose, what do you expect him to do? Absolve you of your wrong? Fact is Butch you killed a human woman and if you go to a human cop and spill your guilty guts then your fucked.” Fear and frustration were warring side by side in me and I let go of my hold and stepped out of yours on me. I tightened the towel at my hips and started pacing as I worked through what you said and tried like a mother fucker to get you to see reason. “Friend or not he would be honor bound by their law to lock you up and that right that would either seal his death or yours, which are you wanting? Because I know which I will take if it comes to that.”
Butch
-I dropped my arm when you stepped away and clutched it with the opposite hand. I felt an icy chill hit me and spread through me. My jaw tightened up as I listened to you.- You don’t get it, do you? -I spit out the words and stormed past you and into the room. On the dresser I found what I was looking for in a wooden box. I came back out of the room gripping my old badge in my hand.- You call me Cop all the damn time and yet you still don’t get it. -I hurled the badge at you.- Those laws that you call ‘their laws’… Those are my fucking laws, Vishous! I’m not so far removed from that life that I take that shit lightly. I understand what being locked up would do to me. And I’m not so damn suicidal anymore that I think that’s a sweet option. But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t eat me alive. I spent years chasing down murderers and I’ve heard every reason under the sun for committing the crime. Hell, some of them I agreed with. Never fucking thought I would be one of ‘em is all. -I turned my back on the images displayed on the wall and flopped down on the couch. I knew why V couldn’t understand my reasoning and I doubted that I would get him to see it my way. It frustrated me beyond reason.-
V
I dragged a hand down my face and let it fall the rest of the way down to hang at my side. “Butch I have been fucking telling you that I don’t get it, it’s why I asked you to help me understand.” I walked over to the bar and laid my hands up on it just in time to get pelted in the chest with your badge when you came back in the room. I let it fall to the floor and I looked down at it and back over to you. “Feel better now? Look I told you now repeatedly that I don’t get it, I told you that I know you hold your humanity close and that was a good thing and all the shit that goes with it, but tell me now what the good would you do by going to your old partner and telling him you opened fired on a car in the middle of the damn night. What the fuck do you want him to do with that info Butch? Pat you on the fucking head and say it will be ok? Give you community service to pick trash up off the side of the fucking road so you don’t feel so much like a piece of shit like the kinds you use to hunt down?” By now I was heated from the inside out, even my hand was pulsing under the specially made leather glove I wore and somehow I even managed to make my way over to the couch without even realizing I had taken a step. “Go ahead Butch tell me what the motherfucking plan is here, what will your screwed up human laws do to you once you go in and tell your good old cop buddy that you shot that woman down and your lover incinerated the evidence?”
Butch
-I squeezed my eyes closed and fought to hang on my reasoning.- This is where I am trapped. You will never see it like I do but this is literally where I am trapped. -My eyes opened again and I tapped my fingers on the arm of the couch.- I know exactly what the punishment for my crime is and I know that because of what I am now it would literally mean a death sentence. -My leg started thumping with the rhythm of my hand, deep breaths weren’t helping me for shit anymore.- You know what I found out about that woman? She was one of the hookers that I helped get off the streets. -I stared at the wall in front of me with wide eyes like I was watching something play out in front of me.- There was a program that I helped build up… She wasn’t just some random, no-name. -My face twisted in a grimace- Can you imagine the look on her face when she realized who was shooting at her? She trusted me…
V
My head dropped back between my shoulders blades and I inhaled a much needed deep breath, the last words were just another part to the already building puzzle. Drawing in a full deeper breath I pulled my head back up and looked down at you on the couch. “You are trapped and there’s no key in the foreseeable future to open the cage you are in.” It was a statement not a question and something more I was saying for my benefit as I walked around the couch and sit down across from you on the coffee table, letting my arms brace on my legs as I hunched over some. “I don’t have the right words, and no damn doubt I am gonna do the wrong things, the talking stuff only came into the picture for me when you came into play in my world, but fuck I’m willing to listen and shit.” Shaking my head I looked off to open doorway that use to be my room and back to you, feeling like some damn shark flopping around on a beach with no way to reach the water. “I would say at the distance that you were from the car and the speed at which she was driving and the fact that there were no street lights and only her low beams had been on that all she could have seen was a dark figure on the road and no features what so ever, Butch man don’t add more onto yourself, hell I will go out there and measure the area and prove that she had no clear sight of you if you want me to” Yeah I was grasping for straws but I was failing badly so anything was better than nothing at this point in my head.
Butch
-I stopped burning a hole in the wall with my stare and found your eyes once more when you sat down in front of me. Funny that what you said had never occured to me. And here I thought I was some great detective. My nervous twitching stopped and I smoothed my palms over the legs of my pants.- Just… just talking to you is good. If there was a right or wrong response to everything than I would be up shit creek. -I didn’t try to touch you again, I just watched you with my hands gripped on my own knees. I knew why you kept your distance from me but it didn’t make me feel any better about it. I licked my lips and shoved the thought aside.- And as fucked up as it sounds, it does help a little to know that she didn’t have to face the truth of who I was. -I wished that I could tell you that everything was going to be alright.-
V
I sit up straighter and once again dragged my hand down my face. “Talking is good then, you talk and I listen, partners in all forms right?” I pushed myself up off the table and moved the few inches to sit on the couch with you, I wanted like fuck to pull you towards me but instead I laid my head back on the couch and propped my feet up on the table that I just vacated “I didn’t know you were so artistic.” I rolled my head on the back of the couch and looked over at you with my lips half quirked up. “I’m going to go all fucked up quote shit on you, but this too shall pass my Nallum.”
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