Church

Butch

-My eyes shot wide open and I stood up suddenly. I could feel him out there. So close I could almost reach out and touch him. The blood in my veins thrummed with the sensation of it and I felt caught up in a strange song that called to me. He wasn’t coming any closer and the pain of it lanced through me sharper than any dagger. It was not the first time that I pondered how utterly I had ruined what was between us. When I could finally move again, I was scrambling to pull on a pair of sweats. I raced to the front door and threw it open only to find him gone. The sun was coming soon, I could feel it. My body refused to obey the simple command to turn around and close the door. I dropped down as if every bone in my body had given out at once. It was easy to see the truth when it was laid out in front of me. My life had ceased being my own the moment I had admitted to myself that I loved the male more than I valued the air that I breathed. I should go back and beg for forgiveness. I was two steps away from doing just that when I felt the first burns of sunlight hit my skin. I recoiled instinctively and slammed the door closed. Why did I think that I could do this? It was like ripping myself in half to examine the broken pieces in closer detail. I wasn’t even sure I would thought to accomplish in the first place. I wanted to lash out, to destroy all the beautiful pieces of art in this fancy building. I grabbed the first ridiculous piece of pretty, a large vase, and I threw at the wall with a loud smash of a million tiny pieces. I stopped to look down at the parts that lay all over the ground. I skirted the rays of the sun that were poking through in parts and found a room that looked like it had been used as an office. Searching through the drawers finally got me what I was looking for and I came back to the shattered vase. I sank down to the ground with my tube of super glue and carefully pieced together each part with a strange patience that I hadn’t had in a long time. It was well in to the night before I finally placed the vase back where I’d taken it. The web pattern that crossed its surface now was oddly beautiful, it drew the eye to parts of the artwork that I hadn’t noticed before. I pulled myself off the ground and stretched out my aching and cramped muscles. I walked slowly back to the room I had claimed and took a quick shower before putting on my suit. I picked up the Sox cap and pulled it low over my face. My thoughts were almost serene as I left the house. It was almost as if the Escalade knew where I wanted to go and it wasn’t long before I found myself in front of the church. I quietly made my way inside and sat down at the back where I was accustomed. It was hard to deny the peace that filled the entire structure and I let it ease me. For the first time in a long time it felt like not only my muscles where relaxing but my mind was as well. My eyes kept travelling to the confessional. I had a great sin that weighed on me but it wasn’t something that you just got up and spewed to a priest. And yet there I was, moving toward small booth. I sat down and waited for the inevitable to hit me in the face. My mouth opened and words just rolled out. As soon as I started talking I couldn’t stop until I’d numbered all of my sins. I knew that person on the other side of the screen was talking to me but I didn’t hear it. Laying everything out like I had forced me to look at it once more. I could vaguely make out the priest trying to persuade me to go to the authorities. My head bobbed in agreement. I had to admit, just telling someone the whole story made me feel better. I focused on what was being said to me and I was fairly sure the old man thought that I was crazy. ‘You aint the only one,’ was all that I could think. I waited for him to finish and quietly left. I yanked my cap low and hurried out of the church before anyone could stop me. When I got back to Darius’s I sat down on the bed and stared at my phone before dialing Vishous once more. It went straight to voice mail and I sucked in a deep breath before talking.- I know you were here. I felt you the moment you arrived. The draw to rush out into the sun after you was almost too much for me. I didn’t even know why I was here, what my actual goal was. It would be so easy for me to return to your side and give up on I’m trying to do here. I can’t bring myself to show my face until I am the male that you deserve. I love you, my Hellren. -I flipped the phone off and fell back on the bed.-