Broken

V

I woke up and had to grip my head before I could fully sit up, the pillow I had obviously held onto all night just fell away as I moved. Slowly as if unsure of opening, my eyes made an appearance from under my lids and I looked around. For that moment it was a punishment to me but I let myself indulge in seeing Butch still in the open space. It felt so damn real right then, I pictured him walking across the floor to the bathroom, and coming back out with that Cop smirk in place and those fucking Boxers of his. I turned my head and dealt with with the agony of the hangover pain it caused as I looked at the other side of the bed. Clearly he was there, my mind knew he wasn’t but damn something in me wanted it to be, and before I knew it I was reaching out my arm to run it down the long side of the apparition I was locked on, only to have it vanish and my hand fall to the cold empty bed. My head dropped back hard between my shoulder blades and the ravaged shouts and growls that ripped from my chest were on a constant loop, filling the warehouse from all four corners. All the heavy overload of drinking forgotten as I fed into the newly found pain that was shredding me from the inside out. My feet hit the ground and and there wasn’t a single thing I didn’t touch, weights were threw from where they set ready for the next work out only to end up strewn across the space. Each sparse object was up rooted from where it set to end up broken and shattered someplace else. The previous night’s surprise dinner was splattered on the floor and walls, dishes clattered to the floor, even appliance were up turned and lying turned over, holes peppered the walls from the continuous beatings. Still as I stood somewhere in the middle of it all, panting heavily, eyes drawn into narrowed slits looking for anything I could destroy just to find some kind of release from this hell. There was nothing, no amount of crashing and breaking that could fill the need in me, it was festering out of control and spreading through my veins quicker than any poison in existence. My feet heavy on the floor, made their way to the one thing I wouldn’t touch, the bed, and I slumped down on it, with my shoulders stooped over and head hanging low. The swinging lights overhead flashed over the blade lying on the ground by the bed, on total instinct I picked it up, my hand gripped the hilt with extreme pressure and without conscious thought I laid my arm out flat across my knee and with hands that became steady as any surgeon’s, I carved out the name evenly and deep into my flesh. With each slice of the knife I breathed out slower and inhaled deeply at the beginning of each new cut. Only when I was done did I see the bloody letters clearly, the name ‘Dhestroyer’ from my dreams covered me now from inside joint of my elbow to my wrist. My eyes then slid closed and in the mixture of the blood that was flowing freely down and around my forearm I caught hints of Butch’s blood mingled in with mine. My lids lids snapped open and I stood up quickly, dropping the blade I headed to what was the shambles of the contents of my kitchen and picked through the items until I found the stuff I needed. My arm throbbed and I reveled in it, the pain and the warm blood only kept me on point as I mixed the water and ingredients together and with haste I laid my arm out over the sink and poured it all over the fresh carvings. Not even a hiss left my mouth as the salt ate into the wounds and found their liquidy way into every crevice, sealing the permanent fate of the letters into my skin. Numbly I walked back to the bed and sit down where I had been, the dagger laying on the ground amid among the destroyed things and puddles of my smeared blood. All I could see was the still wet letters on my arm, the name was connected to Butch, I knew that as well as I knew that my heart was still beating inside my chest and it belonged on my body, that name was more a part of me than even my cursed hand.

Butch

-I rolled out of bed and debated whether or not I should take my pain medication that I had in my pocket. My hand was hurting more now than it had when I first got the injury. The lure of the numbness that it would bring was strong. I tossed the idea aside and stood up with a sharp intake of breath. Right now the ruined hand was the only thing that reminded me that I was still alive. What I had done to V rolled over in my head on constant replay. The look on his face, the instant distance it had put between us. I knew that it would because I would have felt the same way. I was almost surprised that he didn’t clock me before he disappeared. I didn’t even bother with a shower, just stumbled outside and got in my car. The vehicle almost seemed to direct itself, I was just driving I had no idea where I was going. When the large building came into view I was almost surprised that this was the road I’d unconsciously chosen to take. I parked the car and just sat there for a moment staring at the large doors of the church. I hadn’t come here in a long time but somehow it seemed right. I got out and shuffled inside with my head hanging low. I slumped into a pew in the back and kept to myself. I didn’t want anyone to bother me and they seemed content to leave me be. I just sat there and soaked in the all too familiar sounds and smells hoping that some semblance of the peace that surrounded me would somehow find me. What actually found me was the sleep that I had been chasing all night. I should probably feel bad about being lulled to sleep at the back of church but it felt good to get some rest even if it was supremely uncomfortable.-