Lingering Pain

Butch

-Somehow I had managed to actually make it back to work. The whole day went by in more of a hazed out blur. I was borderline catatonic. Jose asked me many times what was wrong and I never answered him. I couldn’t bring myself to put a voice to what was ripping through me like a rabid wolverine. My insides felt shredded and raw. All it would have taken was one wrong word from someone and I would have completely lost it. Luckily he got the hint and stopped asking though the look of worry on his face was so plain that it was almost sickening. He even offered to have me over to his house for a home cooked meal. I declined his offer in such a cold manner that I saw him flinch. I knew that I should have been more polite and that his concern was genuine but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I performed the bare minimum that was required of me and trudged home in a zombie-like state. I closed the door to my apartment and let my coat, gun and keys fall to the floor. My feet carried me to the bathroom and I stared at myself in the mirror. I didn’t even recognize the person that looked back at me. My face had become gaunt, eyes sunken, skin pale and a thick layer of facial hair that I didn’t bother with. Death warmed over. It was appropriate, that’s how I felt. I’d completely lost my appetite and was only eating little bits here and there. Enough to keep me moving and that was it. This was not the reason that I stood in front of the mirror right now though, I didn’t give a shit what I looked like. What I was really here to see was not readily noticeable to others and I kept it carefully hidden. My eyes drooped closed for a moment as I tilted my head to the side. My fingers worked at the collar that I had buttoned up high and tight, something I rarely did. I tugged the tie free and let it hang loosely around my neck. I opened my eyes again only after I had all of the buttons to the shirt unfastened which was not an easy task with the cast on my hand. I pulled the shirt aside and stared at the angry red marks on my neck. The constant reminder that I hadn’t actually imagined the wild whirlwind that scooped me off of my feet and would never leave me the same again. My eyes blinked a few times and I just let the pain wash down my face silently. I had found that it was much easier to cry than to hold it in. And who the fuck would care when I was here at home… by myself. I had to correct that in my head, this wasn’t home. My home was with him and I would never be there again. Fingers ghosted over the circular punctures and I was annoyed to see that they were healing up. I gritted my teeth and dug my blunt nails into the holes until they started bleeding again. I licked the blood from my fingers and pushed my shirt all the way off, letting it drop to the floor at my feet. I watched the two thin trails of blood trickle down my neck and let myself imagine the feel of his tongue capturing the red liquid, his lips sealing around the wound. I let both hands fall to the sink to hold myself up. My head fell forward and I tried to banish the image.- I am so sorry, my love. Please forgive me. -It was a mumbled phrase that I had been repeating to myself from the moment I had pushed him away. A pointless exercise in futility. I let out a heavy sigh and pushed away from the sink, walked out of the bathroom and lost my pants on the way to the bed. I laid down on top of the blankets in nothing but my boxers and stared blankly at the ceiling. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately but when I did I took full advantage of it. Sleep was where I could find my lover. The only place where I was allowed to do anything that I wanted. If that nameless bitch thought that she could keep me from slipping away with him every night in my own mind than she was in for a rude surprise. No matter what was said, I was still very much his. It was a state of mind that I couldn’t shake. I’d been claimed. No one else would ever have me. I knew I had finally reached my goal when I felt his weight in the bed beside me. I turned my head to see the wide grin on his face, not the icy pained one that I had left him with. My heart seized in my chest and I quickly rolled over on top of him. These moments were fleeting and I fully intended to lose myself in it completely. In the short time that we had been together I had given myself over to this creature and now I wanted to take. If I couldn’t do it in real life then I sure as fuck was going to now. I pinned his shoulders to the bed and dipped my head down for a heated kiss. I had never met anyone that could kiss like him. All the passion and fire that I could possibly pour in to the action was always returned a thousand fold. His hands were all over me, always encouraging me to do more, to give more. I didn’t draw out the foreplay, I wanted what was mine and I would take it now. I pushed aside the thought that this was just a dream with an angry growl. My hand slid between our bodies and used nothing but a healthy amount of pre-cum to lubricate my way inside that fucking tight hole. The look on his face was something that I pulled from some unknown memory. It was captivating and I almost forgot what I had set about doing. Long fingers squeezing my ass brought it back into sharp focus and my motions went from slow to frantic far too soon. Tears streamed down my face. I wanted this to be so much more than it ever would be. I was ripped from my dream all too soon. I had a tight grip on my stiff as hell cock with my hand that wasn’t in a cast. I pieced the rest of the dream together in clouded bits and used it as food for my rising release. My hand moved quickly over my length and I arched off the mattress.- VISHOUS! -The name ripped from my throat in a primal shout as I came all over my chest. My back finally hit the bed again when I’d milked it for all that it was worth. I didn’t even bother cleaning myself up, I curled into a ball, yanked the covers over top of me and fell into the darkness that surrounded me.-

V

I looked around at the lesser’s remains on the filthy cracked pavement, there had been 7 total, now I stood there amongst the sweet smelling deathly stench. The last two I had taken some time with, call it my own way to inflict pain on something, didn’t really matter what you called it, each strip of flesh I skinned from them was worth it. Walking over I picked up one of my blades that I had launched at the fucker who thought to try and run, smirking loudly as I retrieved it and wiped the black ooze on my shirt and slid it back into its place in my holster. I hadn’t been asleep in 72 hours yet, closing my eyes were my new enemy, so I refused my body that reprieve and in the night hours I stalked the streets like an addict looking for a fix, and it had paid off well. It was the daylight hours that were driving my already insane mind over the edge, too much time to think, too little to do and locked inside my own cage.I walked past a dirty smeared window and with the back of my gloved hand I wiped the blood from my busted lip, the bastards had gotten smart for a moment when they tackled my ass all at once. Hell even for a second I felt something flicker in my dead zone brain that might have been close to fear, but that flashed away and that same cold as artic wall slammed down. I even let them get some kicks and hits in, my hand drifted down to my side and it came away wet, thought I felt a blade or two slide in me during the tug of war of getting out from under the dog pile. If I had been more in my own head I would have thought more to the damage done but now I was already patrolling for more, I still had a few hours of dark left so why not see what trouble I can find. I didn’t realize how far I had walked until I seen the familiar liquor store on the corner and the all too knowing brick building that set down the street. I looked around me, scanning the street and sidewalks, and then I felt like a dumbass, cause fuck I had myself surrounded by my mhis, not like anyone could see me. I demated from the street and landed up quietly on the fire escape of Butch’s apartment, yeah so I was turning into a damn stalker, so suck it. I crouched down and peered in, nothing and no one moved inside. All I wanted was one glimpse; one more memory to tuck away in my head, just to be able to see him walk from one room to another would suffice me, or at least I tried to convince myself of that. All the sudden that frozen wall that had been in place around me, came crumbling down like shattered glass. I felt too many emotions streaming through me, and all I could do was lay my bloody hand against the window pane as my head just dropped down on a painful sigh.