Inner Struggle

V

Once back at the pit I replayed it all in my head, starting from the standoff in the wooded area to hearing and seeing Butch taking up residence in the middle of that damn road with gun pulled and firing. I was doing a sense of my own reeling in my head but it was on the opposite in of the spectrum that what I knew was rushing through Butch’s mind. This night only shoved home further how gone my Nallum was in his own hell and how I fucked up by missing the signs. For me the woman that was now in smoldering ashes back on an almost empty backwoods road didn’t even cause a flicker in my conscience. But I knew that was all that was raging a war in Butch; his humanity was still very much in play, right and wrong, good and bad, all of it was a strong and a burning part of that male. Truth be told it was what made the Cop stand out from the rest of us and mainly the male he chose as a mate. Sometimes the inner battle that was not so hidden in Butch was almost painful to watch, it was obvious to me most of the times when he went into that dark place that only him and that bastard the Omega existed, at other times he kept that well secluded within himself, I hated those times, I wanted and I felt I should be able to eradicate that fucker from Butch. Those deep hazel eyes that usually were easy to read, at least for me cause thank fuck we had knocked down the proverbial walls that was always erected around us when dealing with others, but tonight when he looked at me it was like staring into an emptiness, no hope, no anything except despair and self-hate. I knew I was getting ready to take a walk into an area where I had no experience, life whether it was human or not was chalked up as a casualty in this war and nothing more. I had lost or more to the point most likely never had the sense of dread or understanding that it took to feel bad or guilt over an innocence death even if that death was not meant to happen and I was the cause of it. But Butch had dedicated his life to saving the less fortunate, the ones that were weaker than most, those without a voice, he did and would always have a strong loudly voiced conscience. I respected that and fuck I loved that in my male, hell a lot of time I used that very thing in him as my own moral compass. But now because of what had been instilled in that male from birth, circumstances, and experiences combined could and is working through his system like a poison that had been digested. I flash-backed to right before vanishing into the woods, I remembered the tugging pull from Butch, and I knew what he would have done had I let go or fuck had I not been there. He would have walked willingly and freely into that blazing inferno that only seconds after stepping a few feet into the dense woods had exploded and truly took on a life of my own creation. I knew without blinking an eye that he would have gave in to his own death just cause in his mind and more importantly in his heart he felt he deserved it for the woman’s death. But it was that shout that tore from deep within him that was echoing through my mind heart and body; it was like a wounded animal that was begging for some kind of release from the pain that rattled its whole being. I understood that sound even if I had only felt it within myself and never voiced it vocally, it was the kind of damage that giving the chance would kill a male from the inside which to me was worst then physically being taking out. It festered and bled freely and the cure was never and easy fix, fuck for me it took centuries of hat very thing living and breathing in me every second of every day and only until I connected with Butch did it slowly start to dissipate. The question now is what it would take to be able to reach inside the Cop and heal him, the problem with that question was I had no fucking clue and that helplessness was now my #1 enemy, but no damn way would I sit back and do nothing. Lessers and everything else is last in line right now, I knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as removing my glove and laying it over Butch to draw out the hated Omega poison, no this shit was going to be some deep involved unknown clusterfuck that was beyond my areas of expertise.

Butch

-I sat up from the couch after I got tired of staring up at the ceiling. I hadn’t even bothered trying to sleep, I knew exactly what waited me there and I refused to torture V with my nightmares. Every time I closed my eyes for more than a second, the woman in the car became my sister and I stood there in that street and riddled her with bullets. If Janie had lived, that could very easily have been her in that car. I ran my hand down my face and stood up. I barely remembered the trip back to the mansion. Somehow my feet had carried me back to the Pit but I didn’t remember any of it. All I could see was the flaming wreckage of the car, like if I looked in the mirror it would be visible on my eyeballs. I walked behind the bar and grabbed another bottle of Lag before returning to the couch. I shoved empty bottles to the side searching for the ashtray that was already full to over flowing.- Fuck it. -I lit up a smoke and flipped open my laptop. I silently thanked my old partner for having predictable passwords and logged on to the police website. I typed in the license plate from the car and stared blankly at the screen. It really wasn’t any better now that I had a name and a face to the woman I had murdered, it was more like pouring salt into an open wound. I knew her, she was one of the working girls that I had tried to help get off the streets. It was an excruciating process to try to get them from their pimps and set up with some regular source of income, not to mention getting them clean. The fact that she had a car told me that she had been doing a lot better than I could have hoped. And now that was all over… God, if this shit could get any worse I didn’t know how. Something on the screen caught my eye and I let out a colorful string of curses.- You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! -Jose was the one assigned to the smoldering pile of ash that V and I had left behind. Knowing my old partner, he was going to drill this one in to the frickin ground until he figured out what happened. I slammed the lid to my laptop closed and threw it across the room like a frisbee. It crashed into the wall with a satisfying sound and I followed it up with the empty bottles of Lag.- FUCK!! -I slumped back against the couch cushions and tossed my cigarette butt toward the ashtray. My eyes closed for the briefest moment and I felt arms close around my shoulders. I assumed that my hellren was behind me and I leaned my head into the embrace. Then I caught the scent of baby powder. My eyes snapped open and I jumped off the couch so fast you woulda thought I had a rocket under my ass. There was nothing there when I turned around but I could feel the Omega’s foul touch and hear his mocking laughter. I scrambled to the opposite side of the room and curled up corner. My forehead pressed against my knees and I covered myself with my arms. This wasn’t real. I was just imagining it. I repeated the mantra over and over again until I stopped smelling the sickeningly sweet odor and even then I didn’t move from the corner. I was losing it. I knew I was losing it but I didn’t know how to stop it.-